So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
