so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
