I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
