Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
