I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
