I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
