In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
