im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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