I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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