im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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