Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
