Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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