I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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