you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
