i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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