Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
