I'm so fucking centered right now
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
