1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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