I think I just saw someone hide a body.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
