hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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