He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
