I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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