before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
