No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
