I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish you could order shots online.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
