I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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