His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
