Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You dont lie about slip and slides
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
