i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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