I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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