My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
