I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
