I wish I could punch you in the face.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
sex in a hospital.. check
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My ass is underappreciated
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
