Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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