just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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