Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
