"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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