uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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