I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
