Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
