What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
