I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He shit in the fireplace
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
