After last night, I could never be a politician.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
