you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
