You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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