In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
