Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
