I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
