i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
