I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have tasted many bathrooms
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
